Is it supposed to be THIS hard???????

Sometimes I do wonder what it is that I'm doing here. I've found myself wondering why exactly did we get married. It's not a regretful decison by any means. But if someone asked why, I don't know that I'd know what to say. I love him. I do. I know he loves me. But I don't know that he's in love with me...and I'd venture to say that I almost know he's not. But I honestly can't say that I am in love with him either. I'm in love with someone that may no longer exist. The best time we've ever had together was the summer my precious pumpkin seed was planted. That was promptly followed by our worst time together...if you can even call it 'together'. And now we've moved on to a state of something more than coexistence. I don't know just how much more...but still more...or am i just being hopeful?

We've been through a lot of adjustments. living together for the first time...being parents...moving to MS...moving back to his parents. Everything has been an adjustment. The only constant in my life really is change. I'm trying to keep in mind that we're all adjusting. I'm trying not to overreact. I just often feel like the afterthought. I don't feel like I ever really come first. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will.

he isn't always receptive when I try to tell him these things. He seems to go into defense or attack mode and it usually ends up being my fault. then I just give up and stop trying, which is definitely not helpful either.

So maybe I can take the opportunity to tell him during our trip this weekend that I'm starting to get annoyed by his 'habit'. It annoys me that every night he has to be gone all night in support of it. It annoys me that he can't sacrifice one evening just to be home...and not just physically dumped at home, but actually engaging in being home. He can't sacrifice a night without tv to just lie next to me until I fall asleep. Why can he not call during the day to ask how my day is going? Why can he never seem to answer the phone when I call his? how could he even begin to associate with someone that was so disrespectful as to show up to my house? He allowed her to ruin my whole weekend. I want to be happy this weekend. As of right now, I'm not going to think about her. She will NOT ruin another one of my weekends. And neither will he.

Maybe I should just go alone.....